The nutritionist said I should eat root vegetables. Said if I could get down thirteen turnips a day I would be grounded, rooted. Said my head would not keep flying away to where the darkness lives. The psychic told me my heart carries too much weight. Said for twenty dollars sheâd tell me what to do. I handed her the twenty. She said, âStop worrying, darling. You will find a good man soon.â The first psycho therapist told me to spend three hours each day sitting in a dark closet with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I tried it once but couldnât stop thinking about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet. The yogi told me to stretch everything but the truth. Said to focus on the out breath. Said everyone finds happiness when they care more about what they give than what they get. The pharmacist said, âLexapro, Lamicatl, Lithium, Xanax.â The doctor said an anti-psychotic might help me forget what the trauma said. The trauma said, âDonât write these poems. Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones.â But my bones said, âTyler Clementi jumped from the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River convinced he was entirely alone.â My bones said, âWrite the poems.
I want you to tell me about every person youâve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didnât think youâd live through. Tell me what the word home means to you and tell me in a way that Iâll know your motherâs name just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were eight. See, I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate, and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms or would leave your snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when theyâre sad even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name, and if you often lie awake at night and imagine your motherâs joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you to tell me all the ways youâve been unkind. Tell me all the ways youâve been cruel. Tell me, knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school. If you were walking by a chemical plant where smokestacks were filling the sky with dark black clouds would you holler âPoison! Poison! Poison!â really loud or would you whisper âThat cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy!â Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you donât believe in miracles, tell me â how would you explain the miracle of my life to me? See, I wanna know if you believe in any god or if you believe in many gods or better yet what gods believe in you. And for all the times that youâve knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you asked come true? And if they didnât, did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who? I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day youâre feeling good. I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day youâre feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. If you ever reach enlightenment will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you Iâve lived my entire life a little off-key? And Iâm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarize the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence. Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do â I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving, and if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes from other peopleâs wounds, and if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon â that if you wanted to, you could pop, but you never would âcause youâd never want it to stop. If a tree fell in the forest and you were the only one there to hear â if its fall to the ground didnât make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didnât exist, or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness? And lastly, let me ask you this: If you and I went for a walk and the entire walk, we didnât talk â do you think eventually, weâd⊠kiss? No, wait. Thatâs asking too much â after all, this is only our first date.