When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.