So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
