So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.