People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Laughter is an instant vacation.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.