I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
