As a woman, I have access to hit women in a way that men might not be able to hit them with jokes. I don't mean physically hit. But you know, because I'm a woman, I can say things about women because I know what it's like to be a woman, if that makes any sense.
I don't want to alienate anybody. If you're making a joke about men and men are laughing at it, it's a good joke.
I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to be something that was going to happen in my life. It never went in the direction I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried.
Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.
Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'
There's a lot of nuances to stand-up that you definitely see when you watch someone like Chris Rock in that his body position is also part of why the joke works.
I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only time my hair will stay straight. If there is, like, a tiny bit of humidity in the air, it's curly again.
I've watched 'The Daily Show' forever. So being a part of it is surreal.
Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed.
A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.
The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady.
I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go to medical school, but I was kind of burned out after school.
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades.
I'm a standard overachiever.
We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point.
Writing for late night is really good for learning how to write when you don't want to write. You have to produce every day. It's also very good for refining the difference between your point of view and the host's.
Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst trade-off in my mind.
I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my time running and zoning out. I spend so much time trying to write jokes and 'be on,' so when I'm finally off stage, I just want to sit.
