Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
